Sleeping On The Job

Sharpie Hawtness

There’s a tradition on rock and roll buses- probably in Frat houses, too, but I don’t know them as well- that if a person falls asleep in the front lounge, they may wake up inscribed with indelible ink and possible down an eyebrow or two.

It’s not that they were DRUNKER than anyone else, they just couldn’t be bothered to walk as far. And for that, they pay with adornment.

I didn’t realize that this concept carried over to motherhood, but after looking back on evenings spent with my six and four year old this year, I realized I’m the Sleepy Equivalent of Drunk Mommy in the Front Lounge.

I’ll be honest, when Hubs is gone and I’m solo mom, there are times I’m sawing logs before the kids are asleep. I lay on their floor, under the auspices of “Singing” to them.

But I think we all know the drill- they start plying me with pillows and foot rubs as soon as I’m horizontal.

As I drift off, they start to play with my hair. When it becomes clear that mama’s not getting up, they up their game. Combs, barrettes,  bows are introduced. I just don’t care.

I’m resting and I know exactly where they are…they can do whatever they want to my uncurly locks.

Then, through the sweet, sweet haze of sleep, I hear the girl say:

“This one won’t stay. Hawan, lemme get the scissors.”

Yeah, except that.

I sit bolt upright, and feel little balls and barrettes pinging off my head. My Little Pony come to life.

“NO scissors! NO NO NO scissors, you guys! Are those safety?” (As she hides them behind her back.)

“It’s OK, Mommy, you rest,” she coos, and I can just see my Jamie Lee Curtis haircut shaping up.

“No thanks, I’m up now.” I say, and start to de-adorn my hair. They watched me relentlessly for an hour, but I outlasted them in wakefulness that time.

Short hair’s never looked good on me.

The Girl reminded me last night of other Things They’ve Done While Mommy Slept-

“Remember when we tried to put the nose drops up your nose to get you back?”

(I don’t ask why they needed to get me back , I just recall waking from a particularly vivid dream of drowning to their delighted shiny faces.)

“Remember when we put chocolate under your pillow and left a note on your door telling you where to find it?”

(I loved that one, as they made me get up and blearily decode “CHAWKLIT UNNER UR PILLW” before I returned to bed, ate six Dove bites and passed back out.)

“Member when we answer the phone for you while you were sleeping? “

(That was a good one, they pressed “Answer” on the cell phone and had a very detailed conversation about the wisdom of trying to wake Mommy up, before pressing it to my face yelling “ISS FOR YOU! WAKE UP, MOMMY, IT”S MORNINGTIME!”Luckily, it was the Salvation Army, and they’re used to strange behavior on the phone from us.

I generally just try to stay conscious on the job, and keep the Sharpies up really, really high. How bout you? What’s the craziest thing your kids ever did to you while you were sleeping? Or am I seriously the only mom to sleep through everything except the front door opening?

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