The New York Times Makes Mommy Wars Even Stupider
March 15, 2010
I’m disappointed.
Truly. Deeply. Seriously.
This??? This was necessary?
Freelance journalist Jennifer Mendelsohn (and, like, Mom-mee blogger! Who like, luuuuurves American Idol. But, like, shhh. ) chose to use her national forum, her chance to help translate a piece of feminine culture to the larger world, to…
Be a total mean girl.
She pulled the grown-up version of junior high school school girls bringing along someone they kinda hate just to mock them.
Jennifer used her press pass to get into the Baltimore Bloggy Boot Camp (I’m assuming, she may have payed: I wouldn’t know, since the MEDIA don’t have to disclose when they get in for free- just moms.)
She watched, she listened, she talked. I wince when I picture it in my head- the openness of our community, the way we share information with women who ask. How that’s the basis of the space she entered- and betrayed.
Then she pulled a total Rita Skeeter, a la Harry Potter.
You came in as one of us, albeit one of us with flashier bylines than Blogspot. Yes, of course you disclosed you were writing for the Times. But by also wearing the flag of your blog and your kids, you imply an allegiance and a belonging that you fail miserably to uphold. And maybe it made it clear that you weren’t one of THEM- no, you’re the SMART girl.
How can you claim journalistic objectivity on this topic, when your biases are so painfully obvious? Or do Times editors prefer snark.
Never mind that the tweets in your timeline read like a “Mommy blogger” (and oh, how that makes me throw up in my mouth to write) I’d love to hang out with. You seem real, funny, honest about the fatigue, mundanity, and fun.
On YOUR presences. Not so much in the Times. Then you’re like the new Fiancee in Legally Blonde the first day of law school.
Here’s you this morning, la la la, mommying along:
“The laundry ramifications of this morning’s mudpie making adventure are of Biblical proportions.” Wow. That was sure worth the two minutes it took for you to divert your attention from your kids.
But it made you feel better to share it. Just like it makes us all feel better to share the things we choose to put forth.
You mocked that imperative, even as you do it. You’re building a brand, sure enough. You have a lovely agent (Kate’s one of the good ones, from my research before landing with my own) at a huge agency.
You’re “dipping your toes”, as you put it, back into Journalism. And building some street cred, and them maybe trying to sell a book? I don’t know, I’m guessing here.
And yet you won’t let other mothers do the same with their personal goals, without judging the worth of their endeavors publicly.
Their revenue model may not be the same as yours, or you may feel your blog’s different since you’re a “real” journalist. I’ve sometimes mentally used that crutch, when I weary of the eternal push/pull of what could be called the Ancient Pure Storytellers vs. The Dirty Money Couponers.
Or, the Epic Battle of those Who Fight the Fruitless Battle of Policing Other’s Behavior.
I’m here for a purpose, I think. I‘m not getting bogged down.
I came here to build a brand, to write a book, It’s going rather well. Have a BA in Journalism, national bylines, blah de blah de blah.
I present myself as a professional, and when I’m at events and someone says, “Oh, you’re a mommyblogger!” I say, “No, I’m…” my official fancy title that involves Business Development VP of an education startup- which I scored through…oh yeah. A conference I attended because of my blog.
Not because I’m ashamed of my stretchmarks or community, but the only folks who can call me mommy came from my naughty bits.
That’s just me, if you’re a blogger and you’re cool with it, rock on. I’m cool with that.
I DON’T JUDGE YOU. Though I do wish the media, news pieces, and, ummm, OTHER MOMS, would quit painting all female kid having bloggers with the same female wide brush version of Forrest Gump on Xanax and Stepford wives with a Blackberry in their cramped Twittering claw.
I’m sitting in a session at SXSW Interactive right now. I’m speaking on a core conversation and a panel tomorrow- because of blogging.
Ooh, and my kids aren’t here. Cause I’m buildimg my brand. Wanna take away my free tsotchkes?
Blogher’s Political Director, Erin Kotecki Vest, was also at SXSW. (@queenofspain on Twitter) Last night, she tweeted:
“So rory cooper of heritage foundation just said women bloggers were cute and patted me on the head”.
Then, a few minutes later, she followed up with:
“Tired of being disappointed in people who could be so much more. Tired.”
Me too, Erin. Me too. At least he didn’t call you mommy, I guess.
Jennifer- from your tweets and the little bit I read of your blog, (Pretty slammed, my “mommy blogger” book proposal’s due in two days- maybe I’ll get a free juicer from someone if I turn it in early!!!) it seems like we could have dished on Paula’s pain killer habit or whether Simon really needed to be so harsh.
It’s a shame that you decided that all the moms who share your digital habits, but not your exact same motivations or writing pedigree, are not worthy of the bandwidth it takes to keep their big headed cartoon avatar loading quickly.
But I’m here to tell you, you get out of a community what you put into it, and I’ve been enriched beyond measure in the past eighteen months since I established an online presence. As a writer, personally, and oh my good gracious professionally.
And I’ve fallen in love with many different kinds of bloggers.
Frugal, crafty, fashion, beauty, Christian Homeschool, Green, Political, resource, education. Soshes, Greasers, Sharks and Jets. I’ve learned from so many voices, and I’ve cried with them when they had trials. And they were my angels and cheerleaders, as two close family members fought cancer.
I’ve weighed my presence, privacy, how to treat others in my life. I’ve tried to take part in the conversations that shape how business is done, and I’ve broken new ground with major brands on how they engage our services.
While you diss other moms on the NYT and put video of your three year old on your own site, all the while joking that you’re “exploiting” him.
You may think that when you, as a quote unquote “Smart” mom, does it, it’s ironic. “I’m so not one of THOSE, ‘m not part of THAT community. I wrote for People!”
No. You’re not. But it’s not for the reasons you think.
It’s not what you have that elevates you above it, but the engagement you lack that makes you unworthy to mock it.
Maybe you should go watch some TV and leave community to the ones who actually care to be here.
And have a GREAT time promoting that book. Your brand building seems to be really taking off!
Hope the NYT reviews it- they seem to be your Tribe.
You could’ve been a voice of reason, like Liz Gumbinner, Isabel Kallman, or Christine Koh. Could have shown some leadership and a different version of what the media usually runs with.
I’m not disappointed in the Times- totally par for the course on their party line.
But I’m really disappointed in you.
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Posted in DIY, Miscellaneous, Old School, Rock and Roll Mama
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March 15th, 2010 at 5:52 pm
I wish you could hear the rousing standing ovation I am giving you right now (as my kids look at me like I have lost my mind
Melissa Multitasking Mama´s last blog ..National Napping Day
March 15th, 2010 at 6:04 pm
Thank you for taking some time out of your SXSW trip to post this. I appreciate your take on it, and as someone who met and spent time with the author, I am particularly interested in your take. Preach on.
frelle´s last blog ..Forgiveness
March 15th, 2010 at 6:09 pm
I can hear your voice in every line.
In the commercial scheme of things, I have a very insignificant blog. Even so, it:
-scored me 2 radio gigs and my own show
-gained me some street cred when I requested an interview (ahem)
-introduced me to some of the most amazing people I’ve (n)ever met
-and doubled my income (latest client came via my online presence).
None of the above has anything to do with parenting. They are all accomplishments made with the aid of a community.
Thank you, community.
Susan (Trout Towers)´s last blog ..of goats and undergarments (not in)
March 15th, 2010 at 6:19 pm
Is it any wonder that I love you more than my very nice luggage? MWAH! Brilliantly written truths, my friend. <3
Ri, The Music Savvy Mom´s last blog ..Stereotypically Irish
March 15th, 2010 at 6:29 pm
(still sad you didn’t make techmunch)
L, you write so well. This is brilliant.
xoox
March 15th, 2010 at 6:40 pm
Heh. Wonder who the hell is going to buy her book. Oh wait I know. The marketers who still don’t get it.
Never understood mean girls in high school, still don’t now.
But she’s the one who has to look herself in the mirror.
Shame.
March 15th, 2010 at 7:07 pm
Well said Lindsay!
March 15th, 2010 at 9:04 pm
[...] article–and there are many–and I didn’t think I had anything to add, until I read Lindsay’s post today. It was the way she addressed the author directly not the main stream media at large that [...]
March 15th, 2010 at 9:10 pm
For me, you nailed it on the head.
Of course I hate how many hits that article is getting and probably her blog but it’s all for the wrong reason and won’t carry her very far.
And what goes around comes around.
Right?
So now my goal is to help you throw the biggest, baddest, kick-ass, rockin book launch / tour / party and watch the sales go through the roof.
Cause you are doing it with respect, with integrity, with love for the community.
March 15th, 2010 at 9:59 pm
i just absolutely love you.
March 15th, 2010 at 10:05 pm
Amazing. True. Honest. Like You.
Jennifer (Savor)´s last blog ..Mabel’s Labels BlogHer ‘10 Contest
March 15th, 2010 at 10:07 pm
WOW. Just, WOW.
*standing o*
Melisa with one S´s last blog ..How Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga Saved The Jewish People
March 15th, 2010 at 10:15 pm
Just perfect. Thank you!
March 15th, 2010 at 10:22 pm
Hell to the yeah my friend. I was just commenting elsewhere that what bothers me immensely about this whole thing is the writer’s lack of integrity. As you astutely point out, she used her mommy blogging card to gain acceptance to a circle of trust, and then cast it aside when it didn’t suit her.
But as you know, I believe in karma. And this is exactly the kind of behavior that bites a person — no matter the fancy writing credentials — squarely in the ass.
[On an aside, I was surprised, honored, and humbled that you mentioned me a the conclusion of your post.]
Boston Mamas´s last blog ..Aquarium To Go
March 15th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
A-freaking-men. You friggin’ nailed it, my friend. If I wasn’t breastfeeding a sleeping baby right this second, I’d be jumping out my desk chair shouting a few ceremonious words while pumping my fists, or something. So instead, I’ll do the teenager-y “WOOHOO” (but quietly) and smile with an appreciative head-nod. ROCK ON!
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last blog ..Not Just Another Day
March 15th, 2010 at 10:37 pm
Oh God, please don’t hate me for this -because you know I adore and respect you and I’m so honored that you mentioned me here and you make so many great points- but this personal attack on her makes me uncomfortable.
I think what’s most clear is that you (like many others) are very hurt by this article. That it feels like a betrayal – “one of our own” traded the community for a byline. I totally get that. Let’s attack the writing and not the writer? I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me too.
But man, I love that you’re defending your community with the ferocity of a mama bear. That speaks volunes.
March 15th, 2010 at 10:44 pm
Love this, love you. So spot on. xoxo
To Think Is To Create´s last blog ..The Storm
March 15th, 2010 at 10:53 pm
Betrayal – yes, that’s what it was. Well, she’ll have a hard time earning back the trust of her fellows in the blogosphere. Women who blog, parents or not, are smart people. We won’t be taken in a second time.
Daisy´s last blog ..Working on Sunday: desk before and after
March 15th, 2010 at 10:57 pm
I love you guys for the heart and honesty you bring, and Liz, for calling me on what felt like an edge as I wrote it. But I don’t question her writing- I question her integrity and intent, both as a blogger and a journalist. Because she broke the codes of both quite grievously, and I don’t mean by some nebulous sisterhood standard.
I mean by pretending the ability to be objective about a community she claims affiliation with. Then, in writing, the only way to not lump herself in with the pink tupperware ghetto was to dia them. And that, to me, is a personal failing. Deserving of personal accountabilty.
I could have sold many stories parodying the momisphere this year- but it would have been about .333334444 of the story, and my heart would have known the difference.
I don’t think hers knows what she traded for her syndicated cartoon sketch,
But I love you all the more for following your lights and speaking your gut.
YOU ALL AMAZE ME.
March 15th, 2010 at 11:23 pm
You so nailed it – now imagine her in the newsroom, laughing it up with her male colleagues trying to be “one of the boys”…
Sold out and up the creek with no true “street cred” or community.
Oh and her writing sux!
March 15th, 2010 at 11:27 pm
Excellent! Well said, dear friend!
Sugar Jones´s last blog ..Blogging is the New Black
March 16th, 2010 at 12:13 am
As a “marketer” and a blogger I think the funny thing about the moniker “mommy blogger” is that food bloggers write about food, political bloggers write about politics, pop culture bloggers write about pop culture…why can’t bloggers who write about parenting also be called “parenting bloggers?”
maris´s last blog ..Monkey Bars (Chocolate Chip Pecan Banana Bread)
March 16th, 2010 at 12:33 am
I remember sitting at lunch, and she introduced herself, “I’m writing a piece for the NY Times.” And later, telling us she had a blog too (albeit-in her own description- a smallish blog, but still a blog) and that she was even interested in coming to this event for BLOG purposes initially. (Did you catch that? She wanted to attend to get some blog growing knowledge. Yeah.) That she wanted to come, but it was sold out. And then she got in later, after she pitched the idea to her boss – who, by the way, loved it.
It makes me sick to my stomach. (And, honestly, that may have been the writing as well, because it was schizophrenic, and disorganized, at best.) How could she sit there, listening to us talk about how great it is to connect with one another, how great of a community we feel we have, and then write that.
I was talking about connecting with people in a way I have never been able to do in my current circumstance. To say it was “girly-bonding” made it feel so much more less than. I said these women have touched my heart. She turned that into a farce.
It’s personal. Oh, yes it is. The second she slapped on her “I’m like you!” badge, it became personal. (And might I add, that while Tiffany might have been shoe-less at times, at lunch, she was nothing but professional, well-spoken, attentive, and amazing. Didn’t see that in the article, though, did we?)
Ummm…sorry, I’m done. Apparently, I should have just blogged about it.
March 16th, 2010 at 5:16 am
I’ll say it again- You guys amaze me.
Mandy, I’m so sorry that my guess at the approach was close- I can only imagine having what you felt were confidences to a woman who understood based on shared experience would then be integrated in a way that attempted to take their shine off.
Don’t let them do that. Please. The “journalist” and her editors may have missed the point entirely. But your connections and emotions are powerful- you know what they mean. Deepen them nourish them, have fun with your friends. That’s real.
Liz, you know I love your spirit, community leadership, and admire your ability to see the best in anyone. I think I’m taking this one kind of hard because I went to Journalism School. I worked in a newsroom. I know the rules-and ohmygoodgod this piece adheres to very few if any. And that dismays me.
We encourage bloggers to “Blog With Integrity”, and be honest about their material relationships, and transparent in their dealings. And I’m glad that standard exists to use as a guide.
But I like my journalists with integrity as well- I think it’s fair to hope for that. This time, not so much, and I care too much about how it’s supposed to be to not say how it felt. Just as you said, a betrayal.
Both of the women she claimed kinship with and the basic law of Journalism- not misleading and deceiving sources. You protect your source, not dupe them. Gah, the rant must end- I’ll sleep on it. Thank you for your moderation and levelness, my friend, always appreciated. I’ll work towards middle ground.
March 16th, 2010 at 5:30 am
Maris!
Such a great point. I think because the work of motherhood is still not especially valid here. You’re kind of sidelined in many ways, viewed as one who will only be able to talk about bodily fluids and unpleasant baby emissions. Slapping the label “Mommy” on any woman who writes and has children, is a way of discounting her voice and saying come back when you can talk to the rest of us about something we care about. Till then, stay home and stop sucking up bandwidth with the mundanity no one has interest in.
I think the way people label and refer to each other is really crucial. I used to grit my teeth thru Mommyblogger (esp. when said by male execs and marketers- other women, never felt as diminutive.) But I believe I won’t anymore.
It’s a name I love for my children to speak innumerable times a day with love, impatience, need, and sometimes, frantic cries to help get gum out of their nose. I’m reserving it for them, cause they say it so sweetly. Not with the tone I so often hear in mixed company that implies that being a “Mommy” equates with having a head wound or maybe being 6.
Thank you for your sensitivity to the fact that titles matter, and being lovely in general. Hope to see you at Blogher again!
March 16th, 2010 at 5:34 am
Daisy- I love your name. We are smart people, and if many people took time to read the depth of content and resources compiled, they’d know that. Like composting!:) Im’a give it another whirl when our CSA begins- will read up. Thank you for creating a greener mom lens- I need to work harder on that behavior.
March 16th, 2010 at 5:35 am
Love you, sister friend.:)
March 16th, 2010 at 10:11 am
I am so glad so many of us have written about this NY Times article and why we are upset about it. We all have slightly different takes on it, I guess, but for me the thing is this — it’s not just this one article. It’s the many articles written over time that serve to play up the whole faux “Mommy War” thing, and try to keep mothers “in their place.” I’m still trying to get my head around that several people I love and admire, but who aren’t really immersed in the blogosphere, don’t seem to find anything wrong with the portrayal of mothers, especially with the headline that somehow suggests we’re being bad mothers for trying to build something.
The sad news is that I don’t believe this will ever change — how mothers are portrayed in the media, no matter what the actual story is — until more women are in positions of power and authority in America.
When I talk about our plans for world domination, I’m not really joking all that much.
Joanne Bamberger aka PunditMom´s last blog ..An Open Letter to the New York Times About Mom Bloggers, Women Writers & the Universe
March 16th, 2010 at 10:39 am
Bravo, Lindsay!!! Well said, girl. xoxo
Tara @ Deal Seeking Mom´s last blog ..Sam’s Club: FREE One-Day Pass, Exp. 12/31/10
March 16th, 2010 at 11:31 am
I’m not a blogger (yet), but I have found a lot of inspiration, comfort, and humor in many blogs. The parenting blogs I read and admire most lift me up and remind me that I am more than a wife and mother. I was myself before I was these things. Yes, my children are such a huge part of my life, but I am allowed (even encouraged!) to wish for more. And that that wishing for more is better for them, too.
I think I find the term “mommy blogger” to be so demeaning because “mommy” is a term properly used by little people. When an adult uses it, you can just hear the air quotes implied. I’m not your mommy.
I read the article, and I agree that her tone is pretty insulting. I think it stings more coming from someone who, herself, is a woman, a mother, and a blogger. (It reminds me of the recent article where the writer wrote that we need to be liberated from breastfeeding our children, while admitting that she breastfed her children.) As women, we’re used to dodging arrows from others, so we don’t think to look for the knife in the hand of the woman standing right next to us. It’s a shame. I’m sorry for her…sorry that she couldn’t see that there could have been more to that piece. She took the easy route (making fun of others is always easier than not), and it cheapened her article.
March 16th, 2010 at 9:30 pm
I’ve had friends who don’t have blogs ask me what I thought about this article a lot this week and much of what I’ve said to them is reflected in the comments here. To me the most frustrating thing is the tendency to slam women for trying to follow what I call the “middle path”. The general consensus seems to be that we’re either supposed to be working full time out of the home or fully dedicating ourselves 24-7 to our kids and that any effort to do anything different is worthy only of ridicule and condescension.
It also frustrates me the way that “mommy bloggers” are separated out from all of the other bloggers out there and relegated to the style pages. With insulting graphics to accompany insulting text.
March 19th, 2010 at 4:42 am
[...] The New York Times Makes Mommy Wars Even Stupider, Rock & Roll Mama addresses another frustration (besides the feeling of not being taken [...]
March 19th, 2010 at 11:39 am
Just beautiful!
Stacie @ The Divine Miss Mommy´s last blog ..Taking the Time to Follow My Passions