The World is Wide Open

And it’s a good thing. There’s just so much fun stuff going on right now, it makes me happy. My eyes have a permanent twitch to them from constantly:

A. Staring at the computer screen or B. Reading Harry Potter (I’ve read them all before, but have a really fun kind of Booknesia- every time, I’m like, “WHOA! Does Voldemort win?” as though I don’t know.

I’m having one of those points in my life: one of those all too rare, golden ages- where I feel like I’m doing exactly what I want to do every day. The time I spend with my kids, the time I spend writing, listening to music, cooking, nay, even cleaning my house-are all imbued with a sense of choice that makes me feel good about where I am.

But, I’m also one who’s obsessed with long-range plans. So, when I saw a book with:

5 “Where will you Be 5 Years from Today?” emblazoned on it at Starbucks, I knew it had to come home with me. Obsessed with all things journally and blank booky, this one hit a few sweet spots. It’s green, it’s about a 5 year plan, it’s from Starbucks. BAM. Sold. In fact it was even the tipping point that made me purchase the tricky “Black Card”, which saves you 10% on every purchase. Of course, it COSTS $25. I knew I would take an economic logic lashing at home, and I was correct. My argument?

“We have a Barnes and Noble card, and THAT costs money!” The retort: “Yeah, but we spend at least $25 every time we go to Barnes and Noble!” Touche. Does the argument “But I waaaaaant it?” hold water?

When I think back to five years ago, I’m not where I thought I would be. But I believe I’m closer to being who I’m meant to be then my plan would have rendered me. Five years ago, I was working as a business to business journalist, covering laboratory issues and Medicare and Medicaid. It was a good job, but I spent much time at my desk thinking this wasn’t what I wanted to do forever. So I applied to law school, because it seemed like I would like it. (I know, good logic. Are you seeing a theme here? Whenever there’s a logic smackdown, me=loser. )

So I was quite pregnant and waiting with bated breath for my law school application results. I’d applied to all the usual DC/Maryland schools, but really only wanted to go to one that was public, so as not to come out with crazy student loans. I got into one.

My first kid was 7. Then our baby was born, my first girl. I made arrangements for her to go to a daycare near my school campus. We would take the train to Baltimore 4 days a week. We would start when she was seven months old.

I reserved my seat in the class, researched student loans. And then I hit a wall. There was a little piece of me whispering, “You don’t want to do this right now. Maybe someday, but not right now.”

On the day classes were to begin, I just didn’t show up. I didn’t call. Just…didn’t go. After a week or so, I called the daycare and freed up the space. Very few words were exchanged about it at home, but I think it was a relief. If that had been my dream, my husband and parents would have supported me to the ends of the earth.

But I think they all secretly wondered if I were doing it because it was my true desire, or because I wanted to prove that I wasn’t an almost teenage single mom anymore. After my first kid was born, when I was 20, I worked in the gym childcare, took my baby with me, and went to college at night. Not that there was anything wrong or shameful about that, but maybe I just wanted to keep going, prove that I could do it all. But some things, it just doesn’t make sense to do.

So here I am, 5 years and yet another kid later. I’m muddling along, but I’m content in a way that stems from listening to the voice that says “Do this, not that. Where do you REALLY want to be, not where do you think you should be.” I recognize that that’s a luxury, and am thankful for it.

The 5 year book says “This is not a “here’s how” book, it’s a “Why not?” book. I love that. I have no idea where I’ll be in 5 years, but I know how fast it goes. I love to make plans and castles in the sky, although I realize sometimes ending up far from them is the best thing that can happen.

Check out this Dar Williams song, “Closer to Me”. I love Dar, and this song never fails to inspire me to make the most of the day in front of me. Favorite line: “Am I the habit you’re too tired to break/I want you to love me/With every breath you take…”

Have you ever laid aside your plans to take a different, possibly less practical path? How did it go?